I’ve been gone for a while on maternity leave from both the site and my job. I still found time to handle some business here and there, but I have really dialed-in on being somebody’s mother that has less than 4 legs. Time alone while Mr. is back at work and my once long and luxurious showers now need to be scheduled gave me time to reflect on my life.

I do my best to live without a bunch of regrets, and I’m generally careful about how I spend my time and the company that I keep. There are still some underlying boxes that I leave unopened in order to hold on to some sense of order and control. One of those boxes is buried in New Orleans and a discussion about the latest gaming craze, Fortnite, unearthed it.

This particular point of disappointment was odd because the good fortune that I was about to walk into wasn’t even on my list of wants. I had been selected for a government job by the man I had worked for over 3 years. He came down with Pancreatic Cancer (diagnosed is the better word, but I made a choice). He worked while he was sick and made time in his last days to get my final paperwork in, extended my security clearance, and passed away. Fortnite brought the memory up because we used to play Unreal Tournament at the end of the work day as a brain exercise and to blow off steam. Essentially, the guy was the best boss ever. Missing him was enough, but showing up to my orientation day after not re-enlisting only to find out that my position was eliminated due to “Cost of War” hours and miles away from anywhere that I considered home topped off the hurt.

Disappointment was at the end of that leg of the journey. Not so much about the job, but the fact that I allowed myself to believe that there was a happy ending. I had placed the fate of my future in the hands of a dying man. His intentions, well wishes and current influence puffed up my confidence to the point that I failed to hold on to my natural skepticism. Now, I could have remained hurt in that turn of events and decided that everything was bad because this situation didn’t end well. I lost a mentor and a job in one tsunami sized wave. However, because of my love for trying new things, I’d built some relationships in the nightlife industry and had a job within a week working Marketing for all the Hustler clubs on Bourbon Street.
As you can probably gather from some of my earlier pieces I’ve lived a life that required several points of readjustment. I got extremely used to not getting what I want to the point that I don’t talk about what I have going on until I’m certain that I won’t have to come back with bad news and be left vulnerable. I constantly have to keep that habit in check so that I don’t forget to be myself in the journey and not let any single path define my entire existence. I think that’s the secret to keeping a balance when we hit dead ends. Not everything that’s pursued is going to turn out the way that we have it mapped in our minds. It’s essential that we separate the journey from the destination and accept the end points as just that, the end of a line, not the end of it all.

That means keep chasing your dreams even when it looks like you’re stuck doing something that you don’t love. Try something that you’ve never considered if an opportunity presents itself. Live out loud, every single day. You never know which one of those things is going to help you turn a dead-end into a detour.

Stay encouraged out there and as always, meet me in the comment section and we can discuss.

-Black Maggie

black america choices decision making diary