I looked at old videos of myself today. I was trying to eat my way out of grief. I had a run of sad ass thing after sad ass thing and I was trying to find happy at the bottom of a cup of ice cream.
I’m only sharing this because today I dropped the Episode about the importance of finding joy but I have to be fair about the backstory.
I was depressed as hell from 2017-2019, but because I’m the type of person that will fill up my calendar and try to work my way out of dealing with my feelings I made a string of horrible choices figuring that since everybody else was dying and getting sick my turn wasn’t far away so ignore the pain and just check stuff off the various lists.
I gave up on myself back then, and because I am who I’ve decided I am in my mind I had to always say “everything’s good, how about you?” when I was ready to lose my mind. I had to keep trying to give when I wasn’t just empty I was ruined. Losing my grandmother who I owe my life, with the Long Goodbye of Alzheimer’s, then having a 9lb baby ripped out of me and having to be a guide for my family along the probate path inside of 90 days was TOO DAMN MUCH. Then to lose one of my oldest friends to cancer 8 months later all while also fighting with people that were supposed to be allies… I shouldn’t be standing, but God ain’t finished. I shouldn’t still love people so hard, but I do.
Mercy & Grace are the only things that prop me up. First from God, then me to myself. It’s ok to tell the truth about your feelings and your struggles. It’s ok to not stay super available to others and take care of yourself. As a Black Woman, I bought the lie that we are sold about being a rock.
When I got the news of my health failing miserably in 2019 I resigned my “Strong” post and focused on loving the people that love me and making sure that my name was always at the top of the list. You may or may not have just finished listening to this week’s episode, but I needed you to understand my Why when it comes to this journey. I had spent enough energy on Surviving in America, it’s time for the Thriving to take center stage.
Thanks so much for reading and listening.